Talking To Liam About Spina Bifida

Photo Credit: Dot's FB Page (sent in from new family)

You guys! Look at this cute little kitty that was born with Spina Bifida (and her adorable, pink diaper). Melts my heart! I'm so glad she finally found her forever home.

Photo Credit: Dot's FB Page

When I happened upon Dot's Facebook Page last week, I had no idea that it would spark a "conversation" between Liam and myself. Before I knew it, I was showing Liam her picture and saying, "Look at this kitty, Liam. She was born with Spina Bifida...just like you." I heard myself say the words, and immediately felt a sense of relief, even though my body was trembling a bit. Liam nodded and smiled and simply said, "yeah!" Who knew a special little kitty would be responsible for this very important moment?

You know what's funny, though? I wasn't even aware that I was anxious about having this conversation with Liam. Sure, he's heard me talk about Spina Bifida, but I've never actually talked directly to him about it. God knows I've talked to my nieces about it, though. They know about catheters and surgeries and physical therapy. My nine year old niece, Kyley, even started an all about me book for Liam, and made this page about Spina Bifida (of course, it's her 9 year old understanding of SB):

Funny story about Kyley: awhile back I was teasing her and said, "Ky, do you think Auntie should have another baby?" She replied with an emphatic "yeah!" and then said, "but, Aunt Brigid, try not to have one with Spina Bifida this time, okay?" I burst out laughing and yelled "Ky!!!" and she very calmly (and matter-of-factly) stated, "what? Then you won't have as much work to do." She does have a point. Silly kid.

I don't have any profound revelations to share from this little talk with Liam. But what I can tell you is that it was a real reminder of how difficult and heart-wrenching this parenting gig can sometimes be. I know this was only the first of many conversations that we'll have, and I know as Liam gets older he'll have a lot of questions, but at least we've opened up the lines of communication. Thank you, Dot!

If you'd like to read more about Dot, click here.

10 Reasons I Knew My Husband Would Be A Great Dad

Liam Missing Daddy (December 2011)

It's no secret that DeMarko and I weren't exactly dating, at least not seriously, when I found myself pregnant. I had known him for years, yes, but serious we were not. Glennon Melton often says of her marriage: "It was the best decision I never really made." I think that is true for us, too. 

If I'm being totally truthful, though, I had absolutely no clue as to what kind of parent he would be. But over the course of my pregnancy and the two and a half years, after Liam was born, that he was away working in Kuwait, I caught glimpses of the kind of Dad he might be. Here are 10 reasons I knew he'd be a great one:

1. From the moment he found out I was pregnant, he stood by me. Okay, so maybe he spent 30 minutes on that particular phone call taking deep breaths and repeatedly saying "Okay. Okay. Okay," but then he stood by me.

2. Because his first email, after finding out I was pregnant, read: "But what will you do with your crazy cat?"

3. A couple months after he found out I was pregnant, things started arriving at the house: the bassinet I wanted, the baby swing I picked out. And then, after we found out we were having a boy, a teeny-tiny "ladies' man" onesie. 

4. Even though he wanted to be home once Liam was born, he stayed in Kuwait to work, because he knew we needed the money now, more than ever.

5. He cares about things like Tylenol. Okay, so I had to educate him on good and bad timing (i.e. DO NOT send an email with a link about the negative effects of children's Tylenol right after your wife has been up all night with a sick child -- wait a few days). And I've learned to appreciate his "input," by reminding myself that some women would give anything to have their children's fathers care about things like Tylenol. 

6. Because during his first visit home from Kuwait, when Liam was five months old, he climbed into bed, woke me up, and whispered: "Hey. When you first saw him, did you get, like, a tingling in your chest?"

7. When I was uncomfortable leaving my job before Liam was born, he said: "Please, let me pay you for carrying our child. I wouldn't want to do it." 

8. He bought me a Kindle after we received Liam's diagnosis. It was my "this isn't your fault" gift. Husband bonus points: he figured out very quickly that my "love language" is receiving (and giving) gifts.

9. Because when we received Liam's diagnosis, he remained a rock, which allowed me to be a complete basketcase. And he said things like "he's still our son" and "we'll come up with a new plan." 

10. Because I once overheard him telling Liam (before heading out to Kuwait again): "Be good for your Mommy, okay."

 
10 Reasons I Know I Was Right:

1. He's read all about a new, up-and-coming procedure that allows people with hydrocephalus to live without shunts.

2. He's thought about what colleges would be best for Liam, in terms of wheelchair accessibility and competitive sports.

3. Because when Liam and I first moved to Kuwait, I found, like, hundreds of outlet covers that he had bought in preparation of Liam's arrival.

4. He never complains. Well, okay, sometimes he complains, but then I kindly remind him that I gave birth alone and traveled weekly to Chicago with a newborn baby for full, eight hour days of doctor appointments (and multiple surgeries), and then he never complains.

5. He feeds the stray cats that live outside our building. I don't know if this has anything to do with being a good dad -- except for maybe it teaches Liam empathy and compassion -- but he feeds cats, people!

6. He finds the best iPad apps. 

7. He cares about what Liam eats. This used to drive me crazy, until he explained it to me: "I don't get to take credit for anything else he does -- reading, writing, his physical therapy -- because I'm at work all the time. This is the one thing I can do for him." For the record: I also care about what Liam eats -- obviously, it's especially important because of the Spina Bifida -- but I don't see the harm in getting a special treat once a week. We have since come to a compromise: Liam can have treats on special occasions, like holidays and vacations. And you better believe I made sure he got ice cream and a cookie on our most recent trip to Dubai.

8. Because he goes from being a "couch parent" to a "helicopter parent" in 10 seconds flat. FYI: we refer to his remarkable skill of sitting on the couch and asking me questions like "are you sure you're doing that catheter right?" -- even though he still has absolutely no idea how to do Liam's catheters -- as "couch parenting."

9.Because no matter how tired he is after a twelve hour workday, when Liam throws a ball and yells "catch," he catches it. 

10. Because he treats me like the queen that I am, which is, quite possibly, the best thing he could do for his son. 

Happy Father's Day to the best Daddy I know! I couldn't have "chosen" a better Daddy for Liam.

And a shout-out to my friend, Lauren (aka Dad #2), who was my rock while Dad #1 was away working. I don't know how I would've done it without you.

Our Trip To Dubai: Lesson Number Two

In my last post, I mentioned my belief that "family vacations" for moms should really be referred to as "business trips." Here is just one of the many reasons why. 

Let me set the scene for you: it's 4 am in our hotel room in Dubai. DeMarko and I are sleeping on either side of Liam.

Liam (to me): Wake. Wake. Wake.

Me: (pretend to be asleep).

Liam (grabbing my shoulder now, trying to turn me over): Wake. Wake. Wake.

Me: (continue pretending to be asleep, which has worked for about an hour now).

Liam (attempting to climb on me): I climb mountain. I climb mountain. 

Me: Why don't you go climb on Daddy? He's a bigger mountain. 

Liam: No. I climb mountain. I climb mountain.

Me: Okay. Okay. You want some milk and Disney Junior?

*A couple hours later.

Me: Did you hear your son this morning?

Husband: Yeah, I was awake. I heard you jokers all morning.

Me: Ummm, no. If I could hear you snoring, you were NOT awake.

Husband: I see your point.

 
An alarm clock with the ability to physically harass you?! This does not a vacation make. 

When I was a young, single person, my vacations looked like this: wake up, go drink at the pool, take a nap, wake up, get ready, go out all night. Repeat.There may or may not have been photos circulating, at one point, of me passed out in a locked bathroom stall in Las Vegas. And my boss at the time may or may not have had to army crawl under said bathroom door in order to save me from the bowels of the toilet. On our "vacations" now, I can barely keep my eyes open til 8pm.

And do you know that these little "vacations" of ours actually make my job harder? Between the packing and giving Liam extra baths and taking him to the pool (which is real work, people) and out to eat and helping him press the elevator buttons every, single time, and the fact that I'm expected to put on make-up AND change out of my yoga pants for multiple days in a row, I am so exhausted by the time the day is over that my dream of enjoying a few drinks on the balcony with my dear husband is crushed, so I just (very happily) send him down to the bar.

And the worst problem of all: I have to leave our hotel room to get coffee, which requires me to be somewhat functional BEFORE coffee. I know, right?! Almost impossible. I can barely survive the few minutes it takes between the time I wake up and the time my coffee finishes brewing every morning.

I know. I know. I am fully aware that these are "first world problems." I know that the ability to take a vacation (heck, even buy a coffee at Starbucks) is a luxury that cannot be afforded by most people. Trust me: none of this is lost on me, but I wanted to share anyways, because it's funny, and, well, because mothering is hard no matter how (or where) you do it.

Our Trip To Dubai: Lesson Number One

Well, friends, we just got back from Dubai, and somehow I am jet-lagged from a one hour flight. Is that even possible? I don't know, but it sure feels like it. And my dramamine failed miserably, so I was left walking through the airport with a paper bag. Twice.

I just want to share a quick story with you, and then I'll write more about our little vacation later, specifically about my belief that "family vacations" for stay-at-home moms (well, all moms, actually) should really be referred to as "business trips."

Just a little background before I share. My husband often tells me about some of the guys he works with, who make statements like this: "I only date white women" or "I only date Asian women," insinuating (and sometimes outright saying) that black women have too much attitude or that Asian/white women are more docile. Absolutely absurd stereotypes. My husband, who has dated, ahem, A LOT of different types of women, always tells them the same thing: "No, man, that's not true. They're all the same. ALL women are crazy." Of course he's partly joking about the women being crazy part, but, let's face it, he married me and I definitely have a streak of crazy flowing through me.

The night before we left Dubai, we stopped at one of the souvenir shops in the hotel. Upon entering the shop, my husband picked up a bell, started ringing it, and said to the male cashier (who happened to be from Iran): "I should buy this bell for my wife and ring it every time I want a drink."

Cashier: (Smiles and shakes his head).

Me: You can buy that bell, but you'll only get a chance to ring it once.

Husband: (Looks at cashier) It's a good idea, right? I ring and my wife brings me drink."

Cashier: No. No. My wife. She kill me. 

Here is what I know for sure: we are all more alike than we are different.


 
P.s. When we were rehashing the story the next day (i.e. when I was reminding my husband, who was slightly intoxicated the night before, what had happened), he said: "See. What did I tell you? All wives are the same. It doesn't matter where you're from." He then told me about one time watching a guy write "wash me" (in Arabic) on a dirty car in a parking lot, while his wife yelled at him. The wife was impatiently waiting and trying to hurry him along, while the husband was laughing and getting a kick out of himself. Typical.