"I Can't Do It": K(no)wing Your Child's Limits

After almost four years on this SB journey, Liam finally uttered the words I've been dreading: "I can't do it." It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately responded to his frustration -- we had been working (again!) on trying to get him to pull his walker forward, after taking steps without wearing his RGO walking brace -- with the old cliché about trying again (if at first you don't succeed), and then I very enthusiastically said something about how "we don't say can't in this house!"

But if I'm being totally honest, his words rattled me. Shook me to my core. I sat back and wondered if maybe he was right. Maybe he couldn't do it. Maybe he couldn't move his walker forward, while simultaneously using it for support. Maybe his walker would only ever be used as a support for standing. Maybe this was as far as he was going to get in the walking process. Maybe this was as much as his body would allow. And for a little while I was devastated.

But then, eventually, I got to thinking about how long it took to get him this far. I thought about how I strapped him into his RGO walking brace, and walked him around our house every freakin' day, for over a year before he would finally take steps on his own. I thought back to when I was trying to teach him how to crawl, and I would follow behind him, moving one arm, one leg, one arm, one leg, for what seemed like forever. I remembered how everything Liam has accomplished, every milestone he's reached, he's done in his own time, not mine. 

So, for now, I say NO. No, we will not stop trying. No, this isn't as far as he goes. We will try, and then we will try again. 

Love: Then and Now

All week long I've been trying to think of things that I used to love. I'm drawing a blank. 

Okay, so I'm not drawing a total blank. Maybe oreos and Subway cookies and large pizzas all to myself keep coming to mind. But I can't possibly write about how much I used to love food. I can't. I won't! I'm going to save the last shred of dignity I have left, and not talk in depth about how much I used to love moonpies.

But since I can't quite remember anything substantial that I used to love, here are some things that I love right now:

I love that at least once a day, Liam leans into me and says, "I love you, Mommy. You're my best friend."

I love that as soon as he hears his Daddy's car in the parking lot, Liam starts crawling for the front door, yelling "Daaaaddddyyyy!" 

I love watching Liam crawl up to the couch, pull himself to stand, and then take a couple of small steps towards the couch -- something he couldn't do six months ago.

I love Liam's misuse of pronouns. I love that when he wants to be held, he puts his arms out and says "hold you again." And when he wants to play, he says "come play with you." I haven't yet figured out if this is just bad grammar or a very effective manipulation technique, but either way it works. 

I love that every night when we climb into bed to read a bedtime story, Liam says "I'd really like to cuddle, please."

I love that in the middle of the night, he'll sometimes wake up and say "no take nap." Okay, so when I'm exhausted or trying to get stuff done, I don't exactly love this little habit of his, but sometimes it is surprisingly adorable.

I love the way Liam says "awww, he is so cute," anytime he sees an animal on t.v.

I love watching him do push-ups with his Daddy. 

I love when Liam does something funny, and, out of the corner of my eye, I can see his Daddy crack a smile.

I love my perfect, little family.

I'm sure I used to love a lot of things. Before Liam. Before my husband. But I can't seem to remember any of them.

This has been a Finish The Sentence Friday post. Today's sentence is: I used to love... 

Linking up with these fine ladies:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
Kristi: Finding Ninee

Liam and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

If you had asked me three months ago what my bad habits included, I would've answered like this: late-night oreo/moonpie binges and excessive television watching. Because we all know you can't have one without the other, am I right?!

But three months ago I stopped binging. Cold turkey. My nightly snack, which almost always turned into a binge -- trust me, I am not above standing over the stove, roasting marshmallows for a S'more at 2 a. m.  -- turned into a weekly snack. 

Okay, so maybe I'm not being totally honest. I didn't exactly go cold turkey. And I haven't exactly stopped binging completely either; though, my binges are less frequent and now include a can of peas instead of oreos. By the way: that may possibly be the saddest, most pathetic sentence I've ever written. Who binges on peas?! Originally when I cut out my nightly snack, I started substituting it with a bowl of cornflakes. Cause cornflakes are healthy, right?! And that bowl of cornflakes almost immediately turned into a daily 5-bowls of cornflakes binge (of course it did), so then I had to get myself off the cornflakes. Yes, this is my life.

Ya know how they say you don't really give up old habits, you just replace them with new ones? Well... that has definitely been the case over here. I no longer spend my evenings stuffing my face with sugary snacks and zoning out while watching t.v., but I have been spending a lot more time on my computer. This is good and bad: good because it means I've been writing more (which is one of the ways I stay sane), and bad because it means I've been wasting a lot of time on Facebook and Twitter, looking at pictures of cats and reading buzzfeed lists. I've been spending so much time on my laptop that Liam asks me multiple times per day: "what you typin' in google today, mommy girl?" 

After watching Kristen Howerton's brilliant TEDx talk about this very subject, and reading Glennon Melton's most recent blog post -- she happens to be taking a 40 day break from blogging and social media right now -- I realized that I was using my computer the same way that I had been using food: as a way to numb myself. As a distraction from real life. As a way to escape. So I decided it was time for a change. 

Elevator Time!

For two days, I stayed away from my computer, unless Liam was asleep. Let's just say, this did not a happy Mama make. Or a happy child, for that matter. I was crabby. I was irritable. I wanted to run away. It all felt like too much. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was going through a withdrawal of sorts. I played in Liam's playroom for hours at a time. I played "elevator" until I thought my head would explode. I mean, how many times is a sane person expected to pretend that a set of drapes is an elevator?! Sure, I had more time to play with Liam, but I also lost my temper, which is not something I usually do. I was so irritable that I yelled at him when he followed me into the bathroom: "Can't I just get one minute to myself?!" And let's face it: the child has been following me into the bathroom since he learned to crawl almost two years ago, but this is the first time it's ever bothered me. I was definitely on edge. 

And you know what? I wasn't the only one. Liam was in rare form during those two days. It wasn't until a few days later, that I put two and two together, and realized he was a having a rough day because I was having a rough day. He was feeding off of my energy. We both agreed we were having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Just like Alexander.

I think this is where the problem lies: for all intents and purposes, I'm pretty much a single parent right now. My husband has a 60+ hour work week, which puts me in charge of pretty much everything at home: cleaning, laundry, dishes, diapers, catheters, meals, baths, bedtime, physical therapy, etc. You get the picture. And I'm fine with this; it's what works for our family right now. But on top of all that, I'm really isolated. I have no friends here in Kuwait. I can't even take Liam out for a walk here. So removing my computer time, my only source of social interaction (unless my husband is home) from the equation, just did not work for me. And it didn't work for Liam either.

So because I'm not able to break up these very LONG days taking care of Liam with things like playdates or phone calls with friends or even a nice walk to the park, I'm okay with using my computer during the day. But I think being conscious is key. I make it a point now to play with Liam for an hour, and then take a little computer time for myself. Or if I have to send a quick email, I let him sit with me and practice reading the words I'm typing, and then he gets to type an email to his Daddy. So far it seems to be working. I don't feel guilty about spending time on my computer, and the time I am spending seems to be more productive. I don't feel like I'm going to lose my mind either. I guess moderation really is key -- not only when it comes to oreos and moonpies, but computers as well.

 
Linking up with these fine ladies for another Finish The Sentence Friday. This week's sentence was: I have a bad habit of...
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
Kristi: Finding Ninee

Bucket List, Shmucket List

Ever since reading this beautiful article written by Amanda Orr, my whole perspective on the "bucket list" has changed:  

"Soon, people from the state's early intervention team came to evaluate my baby. She couldn't do anything -- push up, reach for things, or roll over. So, they said, it was time to write a list -- a list of goals for my daughter. What would I like her to accomplish, they asked. I sat silently as a montage of all the things I hoped for my daughter scrolled through my head: I wanted her to smile, to talk, to ride a bike, to make a friend, to get married, to have her own daughter. I wanted her to have a life. I was making a bucket list for my daughter -- a list of the most basic, most simple, and most beautiful experiences you can have in life. Nothing on my countless previous lists appeared on my list for her. In fact, I couldn't even remember what was on my lists."

So, to answer the question "My bucket list includes...": nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's empty; or, it's extremely full, depending on how you choose to look at it.

Of course, this wasn't always the case. I spent my college years intent on doing everything before I settled down, as if settling down somehow meant my life was over. At first, I wanted to do everything before I married and had kids. And, then, when my plans changed a bit, and I decided I no longer wanted to be married or have kids -- years that I now refer to as my "extreme avoidance of vulnerability" (thank you Brene Brown!) -- I planned what I would do before I started my career.

Harlaxton Manor, England (Yeah, I lived here for a month. :)

So I studied abroad. I spent part of two summers studying and teaching in Cape Town, South Africa. I spent part of another summer studying Shakespeare and Jane Austen in England, where I drank a lot of absinthe. I partied. I was self-destructive. 

And ya know what? I wouldn't change a thing. All of that travel and study greatly influenced the person I am today. And I know for sure that using part of my twenties to screw up and make bad decisions allows me to be completely content with the life I have now. Been there, done that -- ya know? So I never really feel like I'm missing out on anything. But here is what I know now: life doesn't end when you get married. Or turn thirty. Or have a baby. It doesn't even end when you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant with a baby with special needs.

Earlier this year I had to get my passport renewed, which left me thinking a lot about my twenty year old self, the one who ten years earlier received her passport and planned to spend the next ten years traveling the world, filling its pages before she turned thirty. You know what is so crazy about that? I think I've traveled more since turning thirty, more since having a baby, than I did in my twenties. I mean... I LIVE in the Middle East for crying out loud! And if you would've told me back then that it would be possible to finish a Master's Degree and then make an international move -- all after having a child -- I would've said you were crazy. 

But back to the bucket list. What's Matthew Perry's line in that movie Fools Rush In?: "I have everything that I never knew I always wanted." Yeah, that's my life in a nutshell. It turns out my bucket list has a mind of its own. The things that make my life so rich and so full of joy, the experiences that make my life worth living, are things that were never even on my list. My bucket is overflowing, and I didn't even know it.

 
Linking up with Janine of Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic for this "Finish The Sentence Friday." This week's sentence was: My bucket list includes...

The Pink Roller Coaster Has a New Look!

Check it out, you guys! The Pink Roller Coaster has a new look! Look around. Explore. I can't tell you how excited, how in love I am, with the new look. Like, so much so that I can't stop looking at it. And I can't stop asking my husband to look at how pretty it is. He is soooo over it, though. I am not, so he'll just have to deal with it.

I've been wanting to revamp the site for awhile now, but I was scared. I'm not a person who likes change, and I was also worried that if I found someone to create something for me, I might not like their design, and then how would I possibly tell them that?! I was worried that I'd be like my Mom, when my parents bought their first new vehicle -- a 90's conversion van that my Mom designed from scratch. When my Mom finally saw the finished product -- the seat material she chose, the woodwork, the exterior design -- I remember her saying something along the lines of, "Oh. So that's what it looks like all together." But that is my Mom for ya!

But I also couldn't find any premade blogger templates that I liked either. And then I remembered: ETSY! How could I forget? I thought for sure I'd find some templates on Etsy that I liked. And sure enough, I found Jessa, from CakedDesigns. I loved all of her premade templates, especially one that was very simple, but had lots of color. I knew I wanted a more minimalistic design, but I didn't want to sacrifice color. I think Jessa was able to blend the two together seamlessly. This new design is clean and sleek and simple, but still has plenty of color. And she even managed to add some sparkles to it (and you know this chick LOVES sparkes!). Customizing one of her premade templates to suit my needs really worked for me. And Jessa was so, so easy to work with. Not to mention, how cheap everything was. Like, seriously, the whole new design (and installation) was so cheap that I actually asked her if I could pay more. And when she offered me a discount because she wasn't going to get to my design until after the weekend, I said "NO WAY!" And trust me, I LIVE for a good deal. But, seriously, I would've gladly paid 4x what she charged me (and that's probably what I would've been charged if someone else had designed the blog). When I asked Jessa if I could pay more -- because, seriously, four days of work and going back and forth with me creating a new design and doing all of the installation HAS to be worth more than $69 -- she simply said, "No, no. I do this because I love getting the opportunity to design spaces that make people happy." How cool is that?!

Here are some links to Jessa's sites: Caked Designs on Etsy and her Caked Vintage Blog.
 
Well, friends, what do you think?! It is soooo me, right?!


*Postscript: What my mom actually said upon seeing the van for the first time: "Please don't tell me that's my van." It was worse than I thought.