Gimme a Break

Sorry for the silence lately. I’ve been in a little bit of a funk. And, to top it all off, my laptop crashed suddenly, which is enough to make anybody crazy. It occurred to me today that writing about it might help me feel better. Plus, when I started this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would write about the lows with as much openness and honesty as the highs. If I’m going to write, I’m not going to worry about presenting a perfect portrayal of myself. 

Some days are hard for me. Just plain hard. Some days, like today, take every ounce of energy I have just to make it through. Heck, just getting out of bed is hard. Today, I rolled out of bed, and made my way straight for the couch. I woke up knowing instantly that it was going to be one of those days. Except for doing things that couldn’t be avoided -- Liam’s catheters, changing diapers, and making meals -- I clung to my spot on the couch. When Liam finally got annoyed with me, I rolled off the couch and stayed curled up in a ball on the living room floor. He spent most of the afternoon using me as a jungle gym. By 4 o’clock, I gathered enough energy to finally start the day.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression; though, I don’t typically use the word depression, because it makes me uncomfortable. It feels too harsh. Too serious. Too clinical. I prefer to simply think in terms of good days and bad days. Typically, I have a couple bad days a month. Before I became a mom, I would just go with them. I would let myself experience the bad days with the full knowledge that I would be back to my normal self again soon. I used to give myself a break. But now, as a stay-at-home Mom, I deal with a level of guilt that didn’t exist before. Now, I feel bad for needing a break. I feel guilty. I worry that as an adult Liam might remember me on days like this. He might remember the days when I wasn’t fully present. That guilt is ten times worse than the bad day itself.

My husband gave me some good advice today. He said, “Why don’t you just let yourself have a bad day when you feel like this? I get burned-out at work all the time. You have a full-time job. Of course you’re going to feel like this occasionally.” You know what? He’s right. (Did you hear that husband? I said you’re right. Don’t get used to it). 

I think that as women, and especially as mothers, we don’t always give ourselves the same consideration that we so often give to others in our lives. We give others the benefit of the doubt. We give them a break. We allow them to be flawed without thinking less of them. I, for one, am going to start giving myself that same consideration. I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. I’m going to make an effort to love myself in spite of my imperfections. When I feel like I’m drowning, I’m going to give myself a chance to breathe. When it all becomes a little too much, I'm going to give myself a break. I hope you will do the same.